Self-Care, Self-Love
There’s a time for work, a time for play, and a time for contemplation. Contemplation is defined as deep reflective thought or the action of looking thoughtfully at something for a long time.
Unlike the practices of mindfulness or meditation, you don’t lose yourself in the experience. When you engage in contemplation, you are thinking about an experience in words or thoughts. Contemplation is an exercise of reflection on, rather than presence with, or absorption in, an experience.
The primary advantage humans have over animals is our ability to contemplate. In doing so, we learn about ourselves, our lives, and our situation.
According to Psychology Today, “From the Greek philosopher Plato to the Buddha to modern psychology forefathers William James and Wilhelm Wundt, the value of contemplation as a means of fostering well-being and wisdom has been known for a long time.”
I only wish somebody had told me. As a Type-A overachiever, there was a time when I had no awareness that there were benefits to pausing and contemplating — on myself, my life, or my business. I believed that if I wasn’t moving forward, I was “wasting” time. I now know better, and I’d like to share what I have learned with you.
The 3 main benefits that are realized from contemplation
1.You learn about yourself
Most people are shockingly low in self-awareness – like I was. Some believe they are too busy, while others prefer to distract themselves rather than invest time in contemplation.
There’s much to be learned by taking a few minutes daily to reflect on your day and the choices you made. It can help you to face your fears or redefine your life. When you know yourself, you can make better plans that utilize your strengths, avoid your weaknesses, and enhance your life.
2. You learn from your past
If you look at the biggest mistakes you’ve made in your life, you’ll find they’re surprisingly similar. Contemplation allows you to notice the negative patterns in your life. You may have spent money you couldn’t afford, become involved with someone you shouldn’t, or made poor decisions to get away from stressful situations.
If you’ve never taken the time to review these mistakes, you’ve probably repeated them. Reflecting on the past helps you identify what works and use it to your advantage.
3. You take intelligent and thoughtful action
When you’re action-oriented, you may believe – like I did – that contemplation is a “waste” of time. Yet before jumping in with both feet, it can be incredibly helpful to spend some time thinking and strategizing. Reflect on what you actually want to accomplish for yourself.
And even if you have an idea where you want to go, you may want to consider regular reflection to ensure that you remain on the path toward success. When you’re on the right path, you’ll find greater peace and joy in your life.
An essential tool for change
Contemplation can be incredibly rewarding, because you can use your experiences and knowledge to discover a more effective path through life. You can learn about yourself, solve challenges, and become a more powerful version of yourself.
Contemplation can be a potent tool for change. You can choose to get different results in your life. All it takes is a little directed thinking each day to clear your mind, relax, and find that peace and joy you crave.
10 Strategies for applying the power of contemplation in your life
1.Make contemplation a priority
If you’re anything like me, you’re a busy person. You won’t spend time contemplating on a regular basis unless you make it a priority. So, decide that you’re going to spend some time each day reflecting. You can learn a lot if you take the time to examine your life on a regular basis.
2. Plan the time and purpose
You most likely have a specific time for meals, going to bed, or watching TV. So, it’s important to choose a specific time for contemplation, too. Because, if you don’t plan contemplation into your day, it probably won’t happen.
Also, before you begin, plan how you’re going to use your reflection time. Otherwise, you may find yourself staring out the window and daydreaming.
3. Examine your day
Ask yourself: What went well today? What brought me joy? What am I grateful for? What didn’t go according to plan and how can I receive it as a gift? What did I learn today? How do I want to move forward based on what I learned today? What specific actions do I want to take? What will bring me greater joy?
4. Examine your challenges
Ask yourself: What are the challenges in my life? Do I view them as problems or opportunities? How can I shift my mindset so I see problems as opportunities instead? What led me to this point? How are these challenges impacting my life?
5. Reflect on how to move forward
Ask yourself: What are some possible action steps I can take to address the challenges in my life? What can I do right now? How can I move forward with a joyful outlook? Rather than distract yourself from your challenges, see them as opportunities you can choose to engage with more joyfully.
6. Search for answers
Maybe you’re not sure why you’re so insecure in your romantic relationships. Perhaps you have unresolved issues from your childhood. Why do you spend too much money? This can be a great use of your contemplation time. When you focus your attention on a specific question, you’re more likely to find the answer you need.
7. Use affirmations
Write a list of affirmations that embrace what you want to achieve and what you want to become in your life.
Write them in present tense, because It is important to focus on the things that are occurring now that will lead to your future success. And be sure to use the word “I” throughout the list. For example, “I am always good at my job.”
You may hear words in your head such as, “But you messed this up the other day” or “You weren’t as productive a few days ago.” If you are hearing things like this, then banish those negative thoughts. It can take some time to get used to positive thinking, but it’ll be time well-spent.
Repeating your affirmations aloud will enable you to reprogram your mind with positive thoughts.
8. Relax
Take a few minutes and catch your breath. If you have a busy life, it’s important to rest your body and mind each day. A little time alone can be better than a therapist.
9. Write and reflect
Purchase a journal and write in that journal every single day. Each day, first write down something positive that occurred that day. Next, write down a question for yourself. Don’t answer that question then and there. Reflect on that question and write your answer the next day as a part of your journal entry.
10. Visualize creatively
This is a fun way to self-reflect! Make yourself a box to show your hopes and dreams. Or you can create a vision board. Place pictures and words that represent you and your thoughts into your box or on your board. The more details you include, the better it works! Imagination is the key… and the sky’s the limit!
Your guide to the past and present
Life isn’t only about going to work, watching TV, spending time with family, and chasing your goals. When you practice reflection and introspection you can live a more peaceful life and continue to grow each day. Even just 15 minutes a day can make a big difference.
Use your contemplation time however you like. You might reflect on your childhood or the meaning of life, review the last year, plan the future, or consider your spirituality. You could even practice your ability to focus. It’s your time to use as you like.
Contemplation is a useful tool that’s free to learn and apply. Imagine being able to leverage your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, and avoid repeating your mistakes. A session of reflection each day will help you become the best version of yourself. And over time, contemplation can enable you to achieve the peace and joy you deserve.
Contemplate that.
And for additional ways to increase your joy, click here and claim your FREE gift, Happiness 101: A Modern Guide to a More Joyful Life.
This gift will:
- Allow you to use the tool of contemplation to your best advantage.
- Provide additional direction in your journey to a more joyful life.
- Invite you to explore the things that give you joy.
- Give you the opportunity to experience joy with greater ease.
Click here now to claim your free gift: Happiness 101: A Modern Guide to a More Joyful Life
Self-Love
Do you feel ashamed and annoyed by your imperfections?
If so, I can completely relate.
In my last article, I mentioned how I was driven to prove that I was good enough, lovable enough, and worthy enough for my father’s attention. I had such an intense need to be flawless, because I truly believed it was impossible to receive the love that I craved unless I first reached a state of perfection.
It was my life coach who helped me to see that my imperfections are part of my authentic self, and they actually make me more interesting, special, and unique. I began to realize that people find me even more lovable when I screw things up, since it invokes my humanity. Others like to see that we’re only human because, let’s face it, who wants to be around someone who’s perfect all the time?
This has been an important lesson for me. And now I want to share it with you…
Because, if you’re anything like me, you probably tend toward being too hard on yourself. And it’s much easier to make your way through the world if you love yourself. Perhaps our greatest struggle is to accept and love ourselves in spite of our many flaws. Since we tend to be programmed with a desire for perfection, this isn’t something that’s likely to happen without some work.
Self-Acceptance is key to self-love
You can’t experience optimal well-being and unconditional love if you’re always pursuing perfection. The notion of perfection is flawed, it’s an illusion, a human construct that creates more pain and angst than joy. It’s also exhausting, and will distract you from being fully present. So, if you truly want to be happy, try striving for excellence – not perfection.
When I finally acknowledged these truths, I was able to accept my flaws, instead of fighting them. And through a process of self-acceptance, I learned to love myself no matter what by healing the core belief that I have to be perfect if I want to be loved.
Self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. Once you are able to accept yourself despite any perceived flaws, failures, and limitations, you will be able to see yourself and your imperfections as “perfect” for you. You’ll also be more self-forgiving, letting go of self-judgment and perfectionism.
A transformational metaphor for life
In Japan, there’s a centuries-old tradition – known as kintsugi – of mending broken ceramics with gold. Instead of dismissing broken pottery as junk, the Japanese consider it more beautiful and authentic for having been broken.
Literally meaning “golden joinery”, kintsugi is the art of repairing cracked pottery with gold-painted glue. The golden seams that join the broken pieces together accentuate the imperfections that make the object uniquely beautiful.
The philosophy behind kintsugi is to value an object’s imperfections, as well as its beauty, and celebrate them equally. By embracing these flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.
As I see it, this ancient concept doesn’t just apply to broken things— it’s a metaphor for transforming the broken, flawed, painful parts of the self so they may radiate their unique golden beauty.
Kintsugi holds valuable lessons about life and self-love. Its principles help you mend your mind and heal your body by nourishing mind, body and soul. Here are tips on how to do this…
Embrace your imperfections and discover greater self-love
1.Accept your imperfections
Many mental health professionals believe that self-acceptance is necessary before change can occur. And, if you’re feeling stuck, accepting your flaws may be the first challenge to overcome.
The key to a fulfilling and happy life is accepting yourself. Once you acknowledge that your imperfections are a unique part of you, you can move on to loving yourself.
2. Appreciate your uniqueness
Be grateful for your body, mind, and uniqueness. You are better than you think. The most valuable parts of you are those that are different from others. So embrace your qualities, skills, or abilities that are unique. Appreciating what you have makes it easier to love yourself.
3. Detach from your parents’ behavior
Some parents are better than others. Overly critical parents don’t have bad children, they’re just lousy parents. There’s little to be gained by giving your parents a hard time for their inadequacies. The solution is to forgive them and release yourself from the past. Avoid judging yourself based on the parenting you received. It’s a reflection of them, not you.
4. Pay attention to what you say to yourself
Notice if you use negative self-talk that’s humiliating or demoralizing. Does your inner dialogue make you feel inferior, ashamed, or guilty? You don’t want your words to create more pain and suffering. There is a direct link between self-talk and your health and mental wellness.
So, eliminate negative self-talk. Because it’s difficult to love yourself if you’re constantly insulting yourself. Speak to yourself the way you would a good friend. Be a friend to yourself. Be more gentle with yourself. Each time you say something negative, say “cancel clear” immediately and change it to words of love and support.
5. Practice forgiveness
Forgive your past self. Sure, you’ve made some mistakes and probably done and said a few awful things along the way. Who hasn’t? But why drag the past into the present? Learn from the experience and move on. Let it go. You can make a fresh start each day.
If you’re harping on your past transgressions, self-love will be in short-supply. There will be moments when you’re less capable than others, and vice versa. Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for your flaws and mistakes. You would do the same for someone you care about, so do it for yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can.
Plus, keep in mind that the ability to forgive yourself is proportional to your ability to forgive others. When you practice forgiving others, you’ll find that self-love comes much easier.
6. Be authentic
You may hide your brokenness, because you don’t want to seem weak or incompetent. Yet the art of kintsugi teaches you to honor your broken parts as they are testaments to your unique journeys and to your ability to grow and heal. So, authentically own your scars and celebrate the experiences that taught you the greatest lessons.
In addition, when you put on a persona for the world, you’re not giving others the opportunity to love you as you are. So how will you be able to love yourself? When you’re authentic, the love you receive feels infinitely more meaningful. Living honestly is scary, but surprisingly easy. People admire and respect those with the strength to be authentic.
7. Evaluate your relationships
Toxic people can make it harder for you to accept and love your imperfections. Odds are that at least one of your relationships is poisoning your life. It might be a friendship, romantic relationship, or a relationship with a family member. Reduce contact with those who consistently make you feel bad about yourself. Value yourself enough to avoid negative people that drag you down.
Instead, focus on those relationships that are healthier for you. Spend time with those friends and family who build you up and bring out the best in you.
8. Reframe hardship as opportunity
You may have days that make you feel amazing and on top of the world. You’ll also have days that make you feel defeated, sad, and tired, especially when life takes a turn you didn’t expect—a job loss, a relationship breakup, sickness, the loss of a loved-one. This rollercoaster of life is normal. The key is to avoid letting the difficult days affect you long-term. Regardless of what you’re struggling with or recovering from, look at reframing this hardship as an experience that can help you come out even stronger.
Challenges are a part of everyone’s life. There isn’t something inherently wrong with you because you have obstacles. Turn your focus to brainstorming a solution and taking action on your new approach to each issue.
Celebrate your imperfections!
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.”
~ Ernest Hemingway
Your imperfections make you the unique person you are. So, use the tips above to learn to love yourself inside and out. Then you’ll boost your self-confidence, increase your charisma, and gain greater peace as you pursue a life you’ll love.
You have many wonderful qualities that you’ve been overlooking. Believe that you deserve love from yourself and those in your life. A little self-love will enhance every part of your life.
Yet loving yourself, imperfections and all, doesn’t mean you won’t still have goals for self-improvement. You can strive to strengthen your good qualities and develop skills and characteristics that you desire, while loving the person you are.
A gift for loving your imperfections
We know that life can be messy, always changing and rarely perfect. And that’s okay. We can embrace imperfection, finding beauty and authenticity in it. Thus, we acknowledge the perfection of imperfection. In Japan, this idea is known as wabi-sabi.
Earlier I spoke about the Japanese art of kintsugi, which transforms broken pieces into an even more beautiful new object. Kintsugi is a part of the concept of wabi-sabi.
Wabi-sabi is the practice of coaxing beauty out of unexpected places, from a broken vase and teacup to upended plans and unexpected setbacks. An ancient philosophy rooted in Zen Buddhism, wabi-sabi is sometimes described as appreciating beauty that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete” in nature.
The wabi-sabi tea ceremony is a ritual of purity and simplicity in which Zen masters prized bowls that were handmade, irregularly shaped, with uneven glaze and cracks, yet possessed an unexpected beauty in their deliberate imperfection. These antique bowls are prized because of (not in spite of) their drips and cracks.
What if you learned to prize the drips and cracks in your messy life?
For ways to bring greater self-love into your life, click here and claim your FREE gift, The Wabi-Sabi Path To Greater Happiness Checklist. Wabi-sabi is a practice easily applied in everyday life. This checklist is a gift that:
- Invites a celebration of your imperfections as potential strengths (not weaknesses).
- Inspires you to live in the present moment.
- Encourages you to recognize and treasure the gifts you have.
- Brings a sense of calm, presence and beauty into your life.
- Helps you find happiness right where you are and joy in everything you do.
Click here now to claim your free gift: The Wabi-Sabi Path To Greater Happiness Checklist.
Till next time,
Whitney
Self-Care, Self-Love
Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough?
Are you driven to achieve in order to prove that you’re enough?
The difference between healthy and low self-esteem
The word “esteem” means to regard favorably. Self-esteem is how you regard yourself. It’s your sense of self, how you rate yourself as a human being, how worthy you feel you are. Self-esteem refers to your acceptance of yourself and the value you place on yourself.
Healthy self-esteem exists when you possess a positive and realistic sense of who you are, understand your strengths, and like yourself despite your weaknesses.
On the other hand, when you have low self-esteem you are critical of yourself, focus on your negatives, and ignore your achievements. If this describes you, you’re not alone. Low self-esteem is a common challenge – regardless of age, background, or socioeconomic status.
Tracing low self-esteem to your childhood
Low self-esteem can often be traced back to childhood. It can be common if you come from a background where you were told you weren’t good enough, were made to feel unlovable, or suffered through a traumatic event.
If you experienced any of these things growing up, it’s possible that your desire for success is driven by low self-esteem. And you might not be aware of this or willing to admit it out loud, because the outside world views you as a confident and successful woman. This could make you uncomfortable admitting that you have fears or inner doubts.
When you stop long enough to be vulnerable and acknowledge what’s true, you may see that no matter how much you succeed, it’s never enough. You’re continuously striving for the next goal. And you may begin to realize that one of the reasons you are doing this is to prove something to the outer world.
If you’re wondering how I know this…
I’ve lived it. For my first 27 years, from the time I was born until a couple of years before he died, my father showed no interest in me. So, I was driven to achieve in my efforts to prove that I was good enough, lovable enough, and worthy enough for my father’s attention. And no matter what goal I accomplished, it wasn’t enough.
Of course, this made me highly successful in life. It also led me to experience burnout. And it taught me that childhood experiences can influence your level of self-esteem.
However, it’s not unusual to develop self-esteem issues in adulthood too. Any time you go through a difficult situation, it can affect the way you see yourself. For example, if you lose your job, go through a divorce or file bankruptcy, you may internalize this experience and believe it’s your fault… that you caused this bad thing to occur.
Yet regardless of whether your experience of low self-esteem stems from childhood or adulthood, I’ve learned that there’s a lot you can do as an adult to boost your confidence.
Below are twelve ideas that you can apply to your own circumstances to overcome low self-esteem. Use what resonates with you.
Build your self-esteem by embracing these tips
1. Set boundaries
Let others know how you wish to be treated. Remove yourself from relationships and situations that cause unnecessary stress and interfere with your well-being. Instead, develop stable and mutually supportive relationships. Surround yourself with positive people, including family and friends who are encouraging and appreciate you for who you are.
2. Learn to accept compliments
If you’re fortunate enough to have positive influences in your life, listen to them when they say you’ve done a good job. If you were undeserving of the praise, you wouldn’t be getting it. So, resist the urge to dismiss compliments. Instead, smile and say, “Thank you.” Accepting compliments will help you discover what you’re good at and strengthen your self-confidence.
3. Advocate for yourself
Ask for help when you need it. Be willing to say “No.” It’s natural to feel bad about yourself when you agree to do things you don’t want to do, because you’re disrespecting yourself. So refuse requests when you genuinely don’t want to do them. Give yourself the respect and compassion you deserve.
4. Prioritize yourself
Make your mental and physical health a top priority. Eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly, and sleep well. Treat your time like a precious resource. Plan your days and block time for the activities you love. Investing in yourself helps you to stay strong and maximize your potential.
5. Embrace your individuality
You’re much more interesting than the person you pretend to be. We develop the urge to conform in elementary school. But you’re not like everyone else. You’re unique. You’ll make more friends and have more influence if you respect your unique gifts and are willing to be yourself. Authenticity is the basis of true confidence.
6. Avoid “shoulding” on yourself
If you’re constantly telling yourself, “I should have done this” or “I should have said that”, you’re focusing on things that have already happened and you’re unable to change. Remember that self-esteem is a symptom of detrimental thinking habits. Anything said or done in the past is over. You only keep those things alive with your thoughts. Instead, plan for the future. Uplift your thinking and your self-esteem will rise as well.
7. Set reasonable expectations
Accept that human beings make mistakes. If you’re unwilling to accept anything less than perfection from yourself, you’ll feel discouraged when you inevitably make a mistake. Don’t let mistakes get you down. Remember that every mistake you make is a chance to learn and grow.
8. Recognize and celebrate your accomplishments
If your self-esteem is lacking, you might spend a lot of time focusing on the negative. Instead, acknowledge your accomplishments and allow yourself to be happy. It’s okay to be proud of yourself.
9. Make a list of all your best qualities
When you have low self-esteem, you focus on the things you dislike about yourself. Instead, write down your strengths, skills, talents, and positive personality traits. Taking some time to focus on your good qualities can have a very positive effect.
10. Avoid comparing yourself to others
It can be easy to get into a habit of comparing yourself negatively to other people. Instead, remember that you are unique. And know that your self-esteem comes from within. So, you can choose how you see yourself. Choose to see an attractive, thoughtful, intelligent, and caring person.
11. Use affirmations
Affirmations are great self-esteem boosters. They show your brain what you already know you can achieve. Read affirmations on subjects of your choice or write your own. Affirmations bring positive energy into the present moment.
12. Get a life coach or a spiritual counselor
These are professionals who empower you to deepen your relationship with yourself. They partner with you to create strategies that target your unique skills and gifts. They’re like a supportive friend, only better! Because they are experts, guiding you to enhance every aspect of your life on your journey toward success, so you can maximize your full potential, reach your desired results, and attain greater fulfillment. In this day and age, it is extremely common for any successful individual to have a coach or counselor guiding them, so there’s no need to be embarrassed about seeking one out.
Embrace, honor, and love yourself to healthy self-esteem
As I’ve already mentioned, there are many factors which can cause or contribute to low self-esteem. The key to overcoming your low self-esteem is to believe in your abilities and recognize the areas where you excel, so you can start feeling good about yourself again. The above tips will help you to achieve this.
As you build your self-esteem, you’ll make sound decisions and fulfill your goals with even greater ease. You’ll know with certainty that you are lovable, capable, and worthy of dignity and respect. And you will begin to love and accept yourself for who you are.
You will understand that self-care is a vital part of loving yourself, because you deserve to feel good about yourself. And as I mentioned earlier, investing in yourself helps you to stay strong and maximize your potential.
Be the first to know when there’s a new article, free gift, program, and other helpful tips that will empower you to address the areas that need attention in your life. If you aren’t already part of my online community, click here to join us.
Whitney
Self-Care, Self-Love
I hope you took some time over the last two weeks to think about a relationship in your life that has been suffering; that you’ve reflected on your memories of time spent with that person.
If you recall, I encouraged you to remove all judgment and consider only the positives that this connection brought to your life.
You may have completed my Let Go of What’s Holding You Back checklist and worksheet to help you decide whether to let go with grace or take steps to restore that relationship.
If you’ve chosen to restore a relationship to a place of importance in your life and you’ve set new boundaries, it’s time to talk about how to embrace the path forward.
We’ll frame that path in the context of forgiveness, acceptance, and enjoyment.
1. Forgiveness
For many of us, all the strain and added stress from the pandemic and a contentious election year transferred over to our relationships. The loss of face-to-face interaction during stay-at-home measures meant communication had to happen in new and challenging ways, like video, text, email, etc. Our messages and meaning may have gotten lost in translation. We may have felt misunderstood or unheard, and the other person may have felt that way too. And when frustrations boiled over, grace was not always extended.
All of this is understandable. The absence of social interaction has deeply affected relationships. To be able to embrace the path forward, we must first extend forgiveness for all missteps made during this time — to yourself and to the other person.
2. Acceptance
If we hope to restore a relationship, acceptance must follow forgiveness. You or the other person may have acted in ways that have created feelings of guilt or shame. Practicing self-love can be a powerful first step to overcome these feelings and move towards acceptance of yourself and the other person.
Moving forward, life will return to a version of normalcy. But it is helpful to acknowledge that things may never be the same for this relationship. In some cases, scars from past hurts will remain, but there may also be opportunities for deeper and more meaningful connections.
3. Enjoyment
We must acknowledge the collective loss of connection we have all experienced. We’ve lost precious time together, whether it be family celebrations, life milestones, or normal social activities. The enjoyment we derive from these moments of connection cannot be underestimated. They are crucial to our overall quality of life.
Focusing on enjoying life is a great first step not only to reconnect with this person but to restore some sense of normalcy to your own life. Think about what it was you missed about the other person and relationship. What drew you to each other in the first place? What did you enjoy doing together? Maybe it was that weekly cup of coffee, a chat at the mailbox, or a morning dog walk together. Now is the time to rekindle those simple moments of enjoyment.
Embracing the Path Forward Through Human Connection
In time, we’ll resume some semblance of our past routines and day-to-day life.
Whatever that looks like, we will always have an innate human need for connection. And relationships are essential for our overall wellness.
Your social connections will come from existing relationships and any new ones you choose to cultivate. As for this particular relationship — it has suffered so it is fragile. Restoring it may not be easy, but it is possible when you practice forgiveness, acceptance, and enjoyment.
Before you get started, check in with yourself and your feelings. What is your general attitude as you consider restoration? Make an effort to stay open to the new things you might discover about yourself and the other person along the way. I wish you luck in your relationship repair.
Until next time, click here and sign up for my future articles to be delivered to your inbox.
Whitney
Self-Care, Self-Love
The past year’s been difficult to say the least. Our day-to-day lives continue to be impacted by a deadly pandemic. Many of us have lost our livelihoods and loved ones.
Our faith in American democracy and its leaders has been tested as we continue to see what extreme divisiveness can do to a society.
The lack of contact, connection, and understanding has been hard on so many relationships. Whether you have one that’s suffered due to lack of contact or the realization that you don’t share quite the same worldview, this period has revealed a lot about personal relationships.
Perhaps you’ve been disappointed by a shift in a relationship that’s important to you…
Maybe you’re thinking that now that life is starting a return to “normal” and political temperatures are tamping down a bit, you’d like to direct some attention to restoring a relationship with a family member or friend. If so, you’re not alone…
The word “restore” keeps popping up lately. It’s a subject that’s been on my mind, maybe for you too.
So I thought we could spend this time in April focusing on how to restore relationships. That starts with evaluating the relationship that has suffered and determining if there is a path forward.
Restoring a Relationship: Is There a Path Forward?
There are many things that could have contributed to the fracturing of relationships over the last year or so…
Perhaps you stayed connected with a close friend through a monthly lunch date. Without that face-to-face connection, neither of you have really made an effort to stay in touch.
Maybe the differences in how you managed your health risk during COVID restrictions created a deep divide between you and a sibling.
Or maybe the thoughtful public policy discussions you used to enjoy with a friend have evolved over time into something you want no part of.
These are familiar examples of what’s been happening to relationships during these uncertain times.
In order to restore a relationship — whether it be with a coworker, friend, sibling, or other family member — first you need to determine if there’s a path forward. And if there is, how to go about easing back into a relationship that serves you both. Let’s go a little deeper.
1. Evaluation
At some point in our lives, we’ve all had to take stock of a relationship. We’ve had to decide whether that connection served either one of us and contributed to our growth and happiness.
And don’t get me wrong, variety is the spice of life. I believe surrounding ourselves with different people with unique perspectives, personalities, and experiences makes life interesting and fulfilling. Not to mention it’s one way we humans learn empathy.
But the unusual external stressors we have been experiencing may have identified things we didn’t see before. And depending on what they are, we may have some difficult decisions to make. We might need to ask ourselves if those differences add richness or opportunities for personal growth or do they detract from our happiness and well being. You’ll need to consider that carefully.
2. Recommitment
If you’ve determined that a relationship that has been damaged is important to you, that the person means more to you than whatever it is that divides you, it’s time to make a commitment to reconnect.
I encourage you to be the first to reach out in an effort to repair. But before you do, take time to center yourself. Consider all the positive memories you have of times together and decide that you’ll keep those interactions at the forefront of your mind. Appreciate all the things you have in common and whatever it was that brought you together in the first place.
3. Boundaries
To restore a relationship, it’s best for you to choose to stay in the present if you want to enjoy the relationship going forward. That will likely involve establishing new boundaries. For example, you might be making a conscious choice to only engage with the other person in ways that restore harmony to your relationship.
Test the new relationship boundary by planning time to enjoy a hobby together. Start reconnecting slowly and see where things lead.
Up Next: How to Restore a Relationship Part 2
Stay tuned for my next article which will explore how to embrace the path forward for a relationship you’d like to restore. It’s about learning to forgive, accept and enjoy.
Make sure to click here and sign up for my future articles so that you receive them in your inbox.
Until next time, I encourage you to think about the relationships in your life that have been suffering. Take time to reflect on your memories of time spent with that person. Remove all judgment and consider only what that connection brought to your life.
Whitney
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